How to Recognize Grooming and Identifying Red Flags

November 21, 2023

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November 28, 2023

Grooming is when someone forms a relationship, then exploits that trust to manipulate and control your actions, thoughts and feelings. These things may be sexual (e.g. sending pictures), financial (e.g. requesting money), or criminal (e.g. sex trafficking, rape). The predator builds up trust gradually making it difficult to recognize, especially if the victim has a prior history of abuse. This is known as betrayal trauma as the offender is someone you believe to be your friend who is secretly intending to exploit you.

The predator might start as a friend by asking politely if they can message you, and seemingly concerned about your well-being. "Lovebombing" is often the first stage of grooming. They may make promises about being friends forever or claim to love your intelligence, your creativity, and everything about you in an attempt to make you feel special. They may exclaim that you are soulmates, even if they're in a committed relationship, going as far as insulting their partner to suggest that they love you the most. They may pry into your romantic and familial relationship problems to emotionally isolate you further. The groomer may use excessive flirting and make references to books, movies, music, poetry, etc., which make the friendship seem romantic or sexual. They may tell you they love you early in the relationship, or to an excessive amount and attempt make contact in real life to "make a life together".

The predator will want to know intimate details about your trauma, especially related to sexual or emotional abuse, insecurities, mental illness, support network, and history of substance use. Groomers assume the role of "helper" or "supporter", which creates trust and dependency in the victim until the bond is secured and the abuse can begin. Feelings may become reciprocal which is a typical response called trauma bonding where the victim feels responsible for “liking” the attention.

When communicating, the groomer may reveal limited information about themselves and often will not answer questions directly or lack in detail. The abuser may get upset or abruptly cut contact if you question their intentions (e.g. “going to bed”, “we can’t be friends”).

Be aware that predators will typically push site rule limitations privately and guilt the victim to not report as they “participated” at the time. The best prevention against sexual predators is to refrain completely from communicating privately.

Above all, please remember that sexual grooming is never the victims fault. Everyone is at risk of victimization regardless of gender, age, weight and disorder.

December 10, 2023

How to break contact and/or report a member:

At any point in the relationship, we suggest to firmly state: "Stop. I don't like this. Please don't do this again." A true friend would support you and help establishing healthy boundaries.

If the member persist, we encourage you to report the them on the concerning forum/social media platform, documenting the process with screenshots.

If no action is taken by the moderation or administrators on site, feel free to submit a report in "Neighbourhood Watch" forum including any relevant information. The thread will be remain hidden or "invisible" to guests and members. If you wish to receive a follow-up on our findings please include an email address that does not reveal your personal identity.

Multiple reports helps us establish whether or not there is a pattern of behaviour and if a member is suspicious so please do not hesitate even it may seem like "small" infractions.

**** IMPORTANT **** feel free to report anyone you find concerning even if you do not have a personal relationship. It is not necessary to report the member on the concerning forum if you feel unsafe doing so. Please skip that step.

Tips for setting boundaries:

When we identify we need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible: avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing. The most important person we need to set boundary with is ourselves.
Anger, rage, complaining, resentment, fear, etc. are all clues to set boundaries.
People will test your boundaries. Enforcing and being consistent with your limitations and requests.
Boundaries are to take care of ourselves, not to control others.
Setting boundaries when you read is part of growth.

December 28, 2023

Indicators to break contact:

MINORS

The relationship becomes sexual upon, or right before, reaching the age of consent.
The relationship becomes sexual overtime
Adults (above the age of 18 years old) befriending minors (below the age of 18 years old) without a direct conversation of boundaries within the relationship set by the adult.
They may describe you as “mature” or an “old soul”.

PHYSICAL SAFETY:

Repetitive offers of gifts and/or money, even if the recipient exclaims the need for such items.
Pressuring the user to contact them outside of the use of the site. (Discord, email, phone).
Repetitively suggesting/pressuring to meet in-person.
Pressuring for personal information (e.g. location, appearance of apartment, school)

MISTREATMENT AND THREATS TO MAINTAIN SECRECY:

Not respecting stated boundaries and continuing to do anything that another user has expressed makes them uncomfortable.
Emotionally blackmailing the victim (e.g. threatening to commit suicide if you end the relationship, or use your secrets to force you to stay silent.)
Encouraging the recipient to dislike, shun another user, and/or attempting to isolate you from your friends (e.g. “they make fun of you behind your back”)
Refusing to disclose other friendships they maintain on the site
A shift of relationship dynamics and/or refusing to engage on the public forum
Pressuring to keep the level of intimacy or the entire relationship secret from others
When confronting issues within the relationship, you might feel gaslit and begin to doubt your perception of previous interactions
Lashing out and/or ignoring you after a conflict
Denying or refusing to address the conflict

SUSPICIOUS INDICATORS ( FETISHISTS SPECIFICALLY TARGETING THE ED-COMMUNITY):

Requesting/pressuring for images or "harmless" selfies (e.g bodychecks - clothed or nude)
Requesting/pressuring for sexual images, videos, text, or other sexual content.
Being sent unsolicited images, or playing a “game” finding thinspo for one another.
They may ask questions about your body (e.g. ask for you to describe how it shifts with weight loss and gain, if you are happy with your breasts)
They may ask persistent questions about your bowel movements (laxitive use), purging frequency or specific body parts (e.g. belly button)
Encouragement to use substances/alcohol or other situations where impulse control is inhibited (e.g. manic/psychotic) during interactions
Despairing comments and/or suggesting/encouraging purging, restricting or cutting (e.g. when I feel bad, I cut)

December 28, 2023

Remember:

Boundaries are learned throughout our lives and they take time to change.
Many aspects influence the ability to maintain boundaries including the fear of anger, rejection, abandonment, etc.
Even if someone unknowingly violates your boundaries without the intention to hurt you, you still have the right to express how their actions affected you in a safe environment.
Not everyone will respect the boundaries that you set and may even be angry with you for setting new limitations. You are doing what is best for yourself in those moments.
Boundaries do not mean that you'll have control over your body completely. Life isn't fair and consent isn't a guaranteed. It is not your fault when someone removes your choice.
Value yourself and your limits as they are warning signs that something isn't right in the current context. This may not be accurate assessment of the situation but attending to your needs and stability in the moment is necessary for both physical and mental safety.

Assertions:

You can define appropriate behaviour for yourself (and see it reflected in others).
You can determine your role in a relationship.
Boundaries help define who you are and that is yours to decide.
Boundaries are set depending on who you are interacting with and in what context.
Attend to your feelings - they provide you with valuable information.
Identify for yourself what you like, need and want - what do you desire. Getting to know yourself helps with discovering your boundaries.
You know what is best for your treatment.

Setting boundary tips:

Spoiler

December 28, 2023

Symptoms of boundary violations:

Abusing, belittling, demeaning, judging and ridiculing others
Abandonment or emotional blackmail
Undeserved shame
Need to overpower
Threatening or coercive of others
Controlling

Physical Boundaries: these are limits about your body, the space around it, your physical environment and your person boundaries. You can choose who, when, where, and how someone is going to touch you. Any contact with the intent of causing fear to maintain compliance is crossing a basic human right to physical safety.

ex: snooping through others possessions, forcing hugs, threats of physical violence.

Sexual Boundaries: limits about how sexual you want to be with a person. You are meant to have right to choose who and how you want to express your sexuality. Anyone who violates your right to consent does not have your best interest in mind.

ex: "if you love me you would have sex with me", groping, unwanted genital contact, etc.

TW INFORMATION ON SEX CRIMES:

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I found the information online so don't quote me. In green is all the factors that I have also noticed to be indicators IN MY OPINION.

Abnormal sexual behaviour that involves at least one of the following:

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A non-consenting partner as in child molestation or rape

Violation of other’s boundaries or rights such as peeping or exposing

Significant impairment in one’s functioning

Sexual behaviour that causes problems in one’s work or relationships

Offenders may be:

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Any gender (female offenders are typically excused)

Any age (young offenders are typically excused as the age gap with the victim may be less drastic but as they age, the sexual preference for minors does not shift)

Preferences for both children and adults can be found in one offender. They are not mutually exclusive.

Paraphilias are characterized by recurrent, intense, sexual urges, fantasies, or behaviours that involve unusual objects, activities, or situations and cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” involving: Non-human objects(shoes), suffering or humiliation, voyeurism and partialism (feet, flat-chest, etc.), children or non-consenting adults.

Paraphilic patterns of behaviour have been found to remain highly consistent over time. Multiple paraphilias form around “cluster” themes: Voyeur/exhibition/fetishism and/or Sadism/masochism/bondage.

Voyeurism

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Onset typically before age 15

Can be either male or female

More serious form involves the viewing of individuals engaged in sexual activity

Can lead to more chronic sexually inappropriate behaviour

Viewing bodychecks (not pressuring the victim for nudes) as the lack of awareness is the attraction in voyeurism

Collecting images of members

Exhibitionism:

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Occurs in public areas (including online forums)

Deliberate exposure of one’s genitals or sexual topics to strangers

The fantasy is that the stranger will become sexually aroused by observing the sexualized content

Does not expose to initiate relationship rather it’s the idea of exposure that drives this deviant behaviour (flash and run)

Posting porn, genitals or breasts, discussing specific kinks (vaginal yogurt) to illicit a reaction (typically shock)

Pedophilia:

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We will not be making the distinction between Ephebophilia and Pedophilia as it is often used to excuse attraction to teenagers. Teenagers are children and require the same protections as minors and vulnerable individuals (ei: anyone with a intellectual disability or mental illness. aka everyone on these type of sites)

Recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours involving the desire for sexual activity with a prepubescent child. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

A Child Molester is anyone who engages in illegal sexual behaviour with children. A Pedophile is someone who is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children. The terms Child Molester and Pedophile are not interchangeable.

May not have an exclusive sexual attraction to children

How Many Victims Do Child Molesters Typically Have?

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They usually have 3 victims before age 18

They usually have 24 victims during adulthood

Child molesters commit about 30-60 molestations before being arrested once

Without confidentiality: molesters admit to 1.94 offences

With confidentiality: molesters admit to 55 offences

Sadistic:

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The sadistic predator, who exhibits a combination of both sexual and aggression components. Aggression is eroticized, and the offender is typically aroused and excited by the victim’s maltreatment, torment, and suffering. These assaults often involve bondage, torture, and considerable abuse and injury to the victim.

They may encourage self-harm (cutting, burning, etc.), purging to the point of damaging the throat, and/or suicidal ideation.

Typically Sexual Sadists will undergo an Interview more willingly

They consider themselves intellectually superior to their victim and the general population

They expect to learn more information from the police than they provide

December 28, 2023

DISCLAIMER:

Spoiler

I found this information online so don't quote me. I lost my green, fuck it.

1. Fantasy

Spoiler

Relational (i.e., date, sex slave, ana-buddy)
Paraphilic (bondage, sadism, fetishism)
Self-perceptional (powerful, God-like, controlling)
Demographic (preferred victims characteristics)

2. Victim Selection

Spoiler

The strongest victim criteria is availability
Availability supersedes any other criteria (the two exceptions to this premise are the pedophile and sexual sadists)
Filling a Need: once the predator knows a little about his victim he starts filling needs: A poor or neglected individual will receive gifts; A lonely individual will receive extra time, attention, compliments, private interactions, secretive "special" relationship

3. The Crime

Spoiler

Souvenir: The item taken from the victim is a reminder of a pleasurable encounter and may be used for masturbatory fantasies.

Bodychecks/ images
Private Messages or posts
Private information from the victim (ei: location, secrets disclosed to only the individual)

The two offenders most likely to record and document their crimes are the Adult Criminal Sadists and the Adult Criminal Pedophile.

Pornography/Thinspo:

Begins benign but eventually turns sexual in terms of images or conversation concerning the images
“it gives me new ideas to try and see, and it’s always sexually exciting”

4. Post Crime Behaviour

Spoiler

Partner Indoctrination & Control: